I made the mistake again this morning of logging in to my computer. As much as I'd like to claim that it was an accidental oversight on my part, i simply cannot. It was most intentional. I went to work this morning with my dear husband in order to get some homework done and what did I do when I got there? Homework you say? No...I most definitely logged on to face book. For anyone that may be unaware of the disillusioning claws of the face book monster, let me just say that one is rarely able to jump on that site while simultaneously pursuing anything of substance or within in the realm of productivity.
That being said---I made my mistake--sat in my mistake for at least 30 minutes( that felt like 30 seconds) and the questions began to fill my mind. The same ones that always plague me when I begin to sift through pictures of friends that I haven't seen in , o I don't know how long---probably so long that it might be a stretch to keep calling them my "friends". You know it's true---(well, the negative/realistic ones out there know it is). Anyway.... My thoughts became as green as the grass in the middle of spring and I began to wonder and think about things that were not pleasing to the Lord. How do i KNOW these thoughts were not pleasing to my Father? Because His Spirit inside of me testified to it and I began to get an uneasy feeling--some might say it was the slightly shady high fiber oatmeal I procured for myself in our office this morning---but i recognize the feeling. It comes all too often im afraid.
You see, when I look at other people's lives too often on this little social networking leech, i get jealous----hence the "green" thoughts mentioned above. In case that was initially too vague:) I begin to think things like "Wow, she's beautiful...I wonder...(fill in the blank with any completely hypthetical statement you wish)..." or "huh, when I was in college, I didn't get to do things like that...I wonder if I had made different choices at ...blank...point in my life where I would be?" There are so many things in that last question alone that draw up so many emotions within me...none of which could be described as Godly.You see, I'm still "in college" when the majority of my social groupies are not---and not only are they finished with the degrees and moving on with their lives...their younger siblings are as well. Tell me, if that's not depressing I don't know what is...I stop with the questions there.
As I began to allow these questions and comparisons to fill my mind again this morning, the Holy Spirit inside of me challenged me. He asked me
1. Why are you doing this again?
2. Do you not believe that you are exactly where I have put you on purpose?
3. Why aren't you satisfied with that?....Remember that feeling of uneasiness I got before? well, those feelings come with words sometimes...I guess I should be thankful for that. I'm getting there.
In response to these questions, I logged off of face book--and felt a little bit of freedom---but not completely. I fear that this isn't a closed book issue- Hence why I am still avoiding the "homework" mentioned at the beginning of this thing and attempting to type out my "feelings" and working through what I know God is telling me.
So...to think on the first question.."Why are you doing this again?" I shortened the question to six words rather than the paragraph in my brain---you see, the Lord is clear when He speaks to me, but He knows how I think(Praise Him for that)--and I often think in more than six word phrases. Sometimes I wonder that if there were some sort of machine that could read my mind and produce a manuscript of my thoughts, that I would have a really great book by the end of about a day. I mean, I probably wouldn't allow the book to be read by children...or men...but I think it could be a best seller.
